Saturday, April 30, 2005

Doc Farmer's Plan to take over the United States

Doc Farmer has decided he wants to take over the United States. Not by force mind you, just a simple insurrecction. Now I like Doc and he is my freinds, but I do have a little adice for Doc. Try practicing on some thing a little smaller, say Canada. My son has an excellent plan for buying Canada, Doc. - Sailor

My Plan To Take Over The United States of America
Written by Doc Farmer
Saturday, April 30, 2005

Y'know, I've been writing these articles for nigh on two years now. I've written about the problems in our nation, and how we should correct them. I've stood up for the President when he's right, and I've chastised the President when he's wrong. There has been a lot more of the former than the latter, I might add (for any lib/dem/soc/commies out there, wringing their hands in glee in hope of a split in the
rep/con party) and I find him a likeable and more-than-competent Commander in Chief.

In all the time I have been writing this column, however, not once have any of my ideas been put into play. I had a solution to the voting problem. No sweat, just reprogram lottery machines. Even come up with incentives for people to vote in every state. I had a solution to the idiocy of Daylight Saving Time (which does no such thing). Get rid of it. If it's too dark in the morning for the kids to go to school, change the school hours. I had a solution for the fact that you can't get a sitting Senator or Congressman out of his seat without resorting to metaphorical dynamite. A Constitutional amendment for term limits. Did our vaunted representatives beat a path to my door and praise me for my foresight?

Go on, guess!

Now, we're in the midst of a war that slightly less than one half of Congress is fighting against, while slightly more
than one half of Congress is cowering in fear of potentially offending the slightly less than one half of Congress. We've got lib/dem/soc/commies kvetching about judicial nominees, threatening to filibuster, and daring to call the Constitutional option of changing the Senate rules ''nuclear.'' We've got a Justice Department that is anything but just, a Tax Department that is all too taxing, a Health and Human Services Department that is sick and inhumane, the list goes on and on.

We're in debt up to our great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren's eyeballs. A full 75% of our government agencies and functions are not sanctioned by the Constitution. Our soldiers have to wait in line for supplies and support because fat cat Congressmen and Senators are more worried about not offending minority groups than they are concerned with the defense of our nation. We're up to our collective be-hinds in illegal aliens, and our Border Patrol and local cops along the US/Mexico divide
actually take them to bus stations to move them deeper into American territory!

I've done more than write these articles. I've phoned other like-minded people in this country and asked them to help. I've written my Congressman and Senators (although only one of them even bothers to write back) until I have to uncramp my hand with a ball-peen hammer. I've phoned the Department of (No) Justice and asked them, very nicely, to do their job for a change. I've called the INS (or whatever their name is these days) and reported illegal aliens in MICHIGAN, for pity's sake.

All for naught.

Well, there's only so much a man can take.

So, there's only one option left. I have no choice but to take over the government of the United States of America.

Before anybody starts to yell ''Treason! Treason!'' please note that I plan a peaceful overthrow. No guns, no knives, no whoopee cushions, no rubber chickens. Well, okay,
maybe one rubber chicken. It is the duty of a citizen of this nation to take peaceful but assertive action in order to correct the manifold wrongs and problems created by the government. We are, after all, supposed to be a government of, by and for the people. Sadly, we've become a government of, by and for the government. Oh, and a lot of special interest groups.

Actually, taking over the country won't be all that hard. As long as I do it right. For one thing, I am NOT planning to stand in front of the Capitol Building with a couple of suitcases demanding to see the President. Last I checked, he doesn't live there. Hell, he doesn't even work there. He only visits once a year, and I'm not about to stand outside that building in the middle of January freezing my rump off waiting.

I simply plan to make an appointment to see President Bush. That way,
I'll know he's home. I don't need to bring any luggage - I'm sure my folks can forward my clothes along after I take over. It's not like they don't know the address, after all. When I enter the building, I'm sure I'll be checked for all manner of weapons. Although I do plan to carry my rapier wit, I am pretty sure that's not going to show up on the magnetometers.

When I enter the Oval Office, things will run along these lines, more or less…

    Dubya: Good morning, sir. How can I help you today?

    Doc: Well, Mr. President, I'm here to relieve you of your duties.

    Dubya: Come again?

    Doc: I'm taking over the country. Do you think you and your wife can be moved out by Thursday?

    Dubya: Now, wait a minute.

    Doc: Actually, I've been waiting for a number of years, so I guess one more minute won't hurt.

    Dubya: Are you telling me you're coming in here to commit an act of armed insurrection?

    Doc: Oh, no, not armed. Regular insurrection will do.

    Dubya: You're violating the Constitution, you understand.

    Doc: Sir, when's the last time anybody in this town actually OBEYED the Constitution?

    Dubya: . . . Damn. I hate to admit it, but you've got me on that one.

    Doc: Don't worry. You've done a good job for the most part. But this government needs a kick in the butt, and I'm afraid you're just too nice a guy to do it.

    Dubya: And just how long do you plan to be in power?

    Doc: A couple of years at most. I'll definitely move out before the next term starts in 2009. That's more than enough time to fire the congress, impeach every federal judge, hire new ones, pay off the national debt, implement some new Constitutional amendments (by national elections, of course), burn down the IRS, seal up the borders, kick out the illegals, restructure federal law, rebuild the armed forces, kick out the United Nations, prevent Hellary from EVER getting back into this building, legalize pot, criminalize Paulie Shore, send the ACLU to Abu Ghraib (permanently), nuke France, depose Castro, have Hanoi Jane, Hanoi John, Beijing Bill and Baghdad Jim tried for treason, strengthen veteran's benefits, apologize to Martha Stewart, make American (not English) the national language, make TexMex the national dish, make the Ladies of Fox News the national babes, embrace our friends, cut off our enemies, and
    generally put this country back on the track the original founders intended.

    Dubya: Nuke France, huh?

    Doc: Yup.

    Dubya: Uh, can we make it Friday? Laura wanted to clean the curtains on Thursday.

    Doc: No problem. Thanks.

    Dubya: No, thank you.
Of course, I wouldn't be able to run everything all by myself. However, I think I would have no problem recruiting some help. Ann Coulter (Hubba! Hubba!) would make a wonderful Vice President. Especially when it came time to run all those redundant Congressmen out of town on a rail. Rummy could stay on, of course, but this time as Secretary of State. If that doesn't scare every ''diplomat'' out of the UN, I don't know what will. I'd probably move Dr. Condi Rice over to Defense - she's a brilliant resource, and I'd be foolish to waste talent like hers. Director of Communications? Sean Hannity! He'd take the job in a heartbeat, just to get away from Alan Colmes. Normally I'd ask El Rushbo, but he's already said he couldn't handle the cut in pay. Besides, I'd have to have something to listen to from noon 'til three...

I haven't decided when I'll fly to D.C. to break the news to Dubya. I'm sure he'll be relieved, though. His wife will be even more relieved - she's been bugging him to help her redecorate the den back at their ranch, after all.

Win-Win all around, as
far as I can see.

Well, except for the enemies of America, the Constitution, and our Freedoms of course. They will be SOOOOO screwed.

About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at

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