Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Weird Al TV: Al Gore, Al the Time

Doc Farmer looks at the new cable channel that Al (hang that chad) Gore is putting together. In the spirit of bipartisanship, Doc has a few programming suggestions for Al. Hats off to Doc, for being so gracious in this day of back biting, gutter politics. - Sailor

Weird Al TV: Al Gore, Al the Time
Written by Doc Farmer
Wednesday, April 20, 2005

By now, you’ve probably heard that former Vice President and failed Presidential candidate Al Gore has decided to create a “new” cable television network. He’s hoping to attract the all-important 18 to 25 year old demographic, in order for them to consider politics more seriously. Mr. Gore has some serious backing, and hopes to have his new cable channel up and running before year’s end.

Apparently, Mr. Gore
seems to feel that there’s not enough lib/dem/soc/commie bias permeating the Mainstream Media, Hollyweird, Network News, and most (if not all) major broadsheet newspapers. He’s concerned that Fox News’ “fair and balanced” format is a serious threat to all he holds dear. Further, I’m sure he lives in fear of the Maha Rushie, waking each night in a cold sweat as he sees himself being chased by El Rushbo, brandishing the sword of truth in his left hand and a Bible in the right.

I’ve heard various predictions of doom and gloom regarding this new cable network, but I don’t put too much stock in them. Firstly, Mr. Gore has obviously put a lot of influence into getting this channel off the ground. Secondly, there’s plenty of money floating around out there, waiting like flowers to be plucked by the nearest lib/dem/soc/commie gardener. Who knows? It might even be delivered to him in paper sacks at nearby monasteries from some Eastern religious
group. One also has to consider that folks predicted the death of “Air America” (aka “FrankenRadio”), but it’s still around. Granted, FrankenRadio appears to be headed toward the slab, and no amount of electricity may revive it, but like Sen. Robert Byrd (KKK-WV) himself, it just seems to hang on far past its usefulness.

Personally, I have no problem with Mr. Gore’s new network, or “Air America” being presented to the public. We’re a large enough country for a wide variety of viewpoints and opinions. The more the merrier, I always say. I mean, that’s what free speech is supposed to be about.

However, populating a 24-hour a day, 7 day a week programming format is a daunting task for anyone. You have to have informative, entertaining, and thoughtful shows in order to attract the Pepsi Generation, Generation X, the Next Generation, or whatever the callow youth of today call themselves. Their brains have been MTV’d down to around the attention span of your average
retarded goldfish. So, keeping the audience interested in the message will be challenging, to say the least.

So, in the spirit of friendship and helpfulness, I’d like to propose these program ideas to Mr. Gore for his new network. I think you’ll find they’re right in line with the beliefs of Mr. Gore, his party and his financiers.

Pork Fat Rules! - Hosted by acclaimed television chef Emeril Lagasse, this program would invite current and former Representatives and Senators who found ways to waste the most taxpayer money on boondoggle projects and self-aggrandizing government buildings named after themselves. There’ll also be a contest to see who can create the largest “entitlement” project that provides the least support to the actual end-users (see also: poor people).

Starr Warz - This science fiction drama depicts the epic struggle of valiant lib/dem/soc/commies to protect their beloved leader, Bill Tonsilbanger, from the evil Darth Kenny. Princess Hilla shoots down Vast Right Wing Stormtroopers with her Harridan Ray, while Obi-Gore Two-By-Foury uses his mystical powers to befuddle their enemies by boring them to death. Look out for the cameo appearance of Teddy the Hutt.

Knight Writer - A comedy-drama about two Southern Democrats in the 1950s, one a Klansman, the other an ordinary man who kept to his principles by “keepin’ the darkies down” in order to continue being re-elected. There’s Southern comfort, pregnant housemaids, and cross-burnin’s aplenty in this nostalgic looks back at those carefree days of separate (but equal) water fountains, lynchings, and pure redneck hijinks.

Great River Journeys - This historical program will take a look at the great waterways of America, their history, their culture and their impact on modern society. The premier episode, “The Bridges Of The Chappaquiddick” will focus on the important aquaculture of this famous river, including its ability to get rid of annoying assistants as well as several hours of memory.

That’s My Janet! - A rollicking comedy, set in the Clinton Justice Department, this program will highlight the wacky antics of everybody’s favorite killer dyke. Watch Janet’s madcap adventures as she bulldozes compounds, violates court orders, kidnaps innocent children at gunpoint, and then relaxes in the back of the First Lady’s Limo for a bit of “quality time.” Please note, before watching this program, order your official DNC barf bags - in Regular, and Secret Service Limo Driver sizes.

The Soros Group - Hosted by multimillionaire and convicted insider-trader George “I Hate Dubya So Much I Spent $23 Million To Slander Him And All I Got Was This Lousy TV Show” Soros, the “news” and “discussion” format will follow much of the same structure as the ever-popular “McLaughlin Group” - sans the whimsy. Soros will bring up issues, yell at his guests (who have all been paid to agree with everything he says) and blame everything on President Bush.

The Newlywed Perverts Game - Each week, four lucky same-sex couples will answer personal and embarrassing questions about their partners in perversion for cash prizes. Hosted by Andres Serrano (the “artist” who put a crucifix in a vat of his own liquid waste), Robert Maplethorpe (another “genius” of art nouveau), and Enrique the Love Goat, the contestants will describe their lifestyles in lurid detail. Make sure your kids watch, so they can be more inclusive and accepting of other people who want to rape and infect them.

Great Liberals Of History - Another historical docudrama series, this program will take a look at the luminaries of socialism. Features will include a tough, hard-hitting, no-holds-barred look at why the greatest representatives of socialism and liberalism throughout history have been badly treated by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Programs will focus on such great historical figures as Stalin, Lenin, Pol Pot, Hitler, Mao Tse Tung, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and why we should ignore all those inconvenient facts about them.

The AGN Evening News with Dan Rather - What national network would be complete without a 30 minute encapsulation of the day’s news, dumbed down by a folksy and accomplished liar? The Columbia Broadcasting System didn’t appreciate his genius, but I’m sure the Al Gore Network will make good use of his services - just like they did when he worked at CBS, in fact. With crack(ed) reporters around the world like Al Franken, Alan Colmes, Jane Fonda and the Baldwin Brothers, they’ll bring you the news the way you want it - formulated and one-sided, like you’re used to having.

Well, Al, there you go. A line-up I’m sure will enthrall and enrapture your audience of lib/dem/soc/commies. Good luck, Godspeed, and please make sure to tell us the difference between you and the test pattern!

About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a
writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at

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