Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Supreme Court Nominee Interview Questionnaire

With the Bush nomination of Judge Roberts to fill the vacancy on SCOTUS, Doc Farmer jumps in feet first with his own questionaire. I wonder where Doc comes up with some of this! - Sailor

The Supreme Court Nominee Interview Questionnaire
Written by Doc Farmer
Thursday, July 21, 2005

Well, the cat's finally out of the bag. Dubya's gone and done it now. In a bid meant solely to annoy and upset lib/dem/soc/commies, George Walker Bush followed 218 years of Constitutional history and had the unmitigated audacity to name a nominee to the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS).

The bastard!

Although I wish Mr. Roberts
'' in his nomination process, since he's a (bleep)ing lawyer I'll also have to wish him a long, slow, painful and humiliating death (note to any law enforcement officials - I wish that on ALL (bleep)ing lawyers, so the above statement does not constitute an actual threat). Rep/cons will handle the first part of my wish, and I'm certain that lib/dem/soc/commies will at least make it feel like the second part is happening.

Odd thing, though - the news media, talk radio, et al, spent an entire day examining the ''leaked'' name of a possible candidate, and then were caught totally flat-footed when Dubya named Roberts instead of the one that ''conventional wisdom'' (which appears to be neither) had tapped. If, perchance, you think I'm ragging on the left alone here, think again. El Rushbo and Hannity got it wrong as well. Perhaps they (and all other pundits and prophets) should just wait until the actual announcement. Otherwise, they all act like a bunch of
snotty brats on the week leading to Christmas, shaking packages and guessing (wrong) and then crying when the box doesn't contain what they thought it should.

Now, this whole SCOTUS scramble (can we call it SCOTUS-gate yet?) has gotten me thinking. A dangerous activity at the best of times, I grant you. How do you apply for a job as a Justice on the court? Do they advertise on What's the application form look like? And what questions do they ask in the interview?

Frankly, if the lib/dem/soc/commies had their way, the application would be very short.

  • Do you believe in God/Allah/Yahweh/Buddha/Great Maker/Supreme Being/Creator of the Universe?

    • If yes, check here and hand in your application to the shredder on your right.

    • If no, check here and hand in your application to the leftist sycophant on (appropriately enough) your left.
Since God is being marched out of public (and soon, private) life, that's really about the only thing the lib/dem/soc/commies care about. An androgycentric personality doesn't require authority from God to parse out rights to the ''little people.''

However, there are other aspects of the job, and indeed the vetting process that the Senate is supposed to perform, that a lib/dem/soc/commie application wouldn't necessarily cope with. Since I'm pretty sure that there will be another vacancy on SCOTUS by the end of Dubya's term, there should probably be a candidate questionnaire to help whittle down the list of candidates.

Oh, and if Chief Justice Rehnquist is reading this, I'm not necessarily referring to YOU as ''another vacancy'' - I remember the (well deserved!) tongue-lashing you gave some of those ghouls in the press pack. Frankly,
however, I'd like to see you retire. Not because of any policy disagreements, but just so you could get healthy. Before the long, slow, painful and humiliating death thing deserved by every (bleep)ing comes along, that is.

So, what questions (yes/no, multiple choice or essay) would I like to see on that form? Hmmm....

  • Reconcile or justify the following - maintaining a Supreme Court decision based on falsified testimony and a falsified case. For reference, please see Roe v. Wade.

  • Have you ever smoked pot?

  • Have you ever smoked haddock? And, if yes, how did you keep it lit? Mine keeps going out.

  • Have you ever had sex with anybody who was born or lived in Africa? Wait, sorry, that's a Red Cross Blood Donation question. My bad.

  • Have you ever hired a nanny, babysitter, au pair, housemaid, butler, manservant, footman, etc.? If yes, can you provide all necessary pay stubs and withholding documents to prove that you didn't cheat the IRS or the INS?

  • Do you subscribe to any of the following periodicals?

    • Guns ‘n Ammo?

    • Hustler?

    • Popular Mechanics?

    • MAD Magazine?

    • Time?

    • New York Times?

    • LA Times?

    • Washington Times?

    • ComputerWorld?

    • NetworkWorld?

    • SpiceWorld?

    • PigWorld?

  • How substantial is your epidermis?

  • Have you ever been the subject of a 60 Minutes investigation?

  • Have you ever been the subject of a Weekly World News investigation?

  • Have you ever been on Punk'd?

  • Who won the FA Cup in 1949?

  • Do you know what the definition of ''is'' is?

  • Have you ever read the US Constitution?

  • Can you even spell US Constitution?

  • Do you believe in a constitutional amendment to protect the US flag?

  • Do you believe in a constitutional amendment to protect the US ***?

  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

  • Can you, while in full Supreme Court regalia, pick up a maraschino cherry with your butt cheeks, walk around an obstacle course and then drop the cherry into a mug of beer? (This is important, as it is the standard initiation rite for any new members of the Supreme Court according to Seth MacFarlane (see also: Family Guy))....
Sure, some of those questions are very lame, some are stupid, and some are just downright wrong.

Then again, that's nothing compared to what the Senate Judiciary Committee will do to these folks.

About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at

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