Thursday, August 05, 2004

What the Democrats Won't Tell You

Don Feder as some insights as to what the dems did not tell us during that sleep fest they called a convention. - Sailor

What the Democrats Won't Tell You
By Don Feder August 5, 2004

The Democrats’ cure for insomnia ended a week ago. And, guess what? No Kerry bounce. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

A post-convention Gallup/CNN/USA Today survey showed that among likely voters, Kerry actually lost ground. The last pre-convention poll had Kerry at 49 percent, Bush with 47 percent. The weekend after the Boston bash, the same survey showed Kerry 47 percent, Bush 50 percent -- a negative bounce.

This is unheard of. Normally, a presidential candidate comes out of his party’s convention picking up 10 to 12 points.

So, what happened? First, not many watched the convention. Second, the rhetoric was stultifying – including Kerry’s acceptance speech, touted by the media as a tour de force on par with the Gettysburg Address and the Sermon on the Mount.

Essentially, the Democrats’ daring message came down to this:

Unlike those mean Republicans (who only care about trust-fund Aryans), we don’t think poor people should starve to death.
We want to spend more on police and firefighters (Now, that’s controversial.)
We like puppies, sunsets and quiet walks on the beach.
Not the sort of tough stands to cause voters to throw out an incumbent president during a national crisis.

There’s a reason the Kerry Democrats are the political equivalent of a general anesthetic. They can’t risk leveling with us. If they told the electorate what they really want, voters would run screaming into the night.

But wouldn’t it be refreshing if, just once, the party of Clinton came clean, laid its cards on the table, and was brutally honest. Their confession of faith might go something like this:

Affirmative Action – We love racial quotas. If you’re white, we’ll see to it that your kid never gets the college admission or job he deserves. We’re willing to sacrifice his opportunities for our political advantage (trawling for minority votes). That’s how committed we really are to equal protection under the law. P.S.: Our message to minorities – You’re too stupid to make it on your own.

Big Government – Our goal is to super-size government until it makes Mt. Everest look like an anthill. The New Deal, Great Society and Hillary’s plan to socialize health care have only whetted our appetite.

We want government to do more, to be more involved in your life, to take more and more decisions out of your hands and turn them over to bureaucrats, who are far more competent than you are.

There’s no problem -- including the common cold -- that we don’t have a program to solve. And you better believe we’ll work overtime to get the government involved in everything, from regulating your diet to controlling the Internet.

Business/Jobs – We don’t like private enterprise. We much prefer public employment to private-sector jobs. We think business is basically corrupt, inefficient and predatory, while government is inherently pure and noble. Bureaucrats are Boy Scouts with rules and regulations. (But we don't like the real Boy Scouts, either.)

We want to see government even more involved with business. We want control over everything – manufacturing, wages, prices, profits, advertising – you name it. If, as a result of our efforts, businesses fail and employees are thrown out of work, no problem. They can always find good jobs in an ever-expanding public sector.

Our goal is to give America an economy that’s stagnant, but compassionate.

Defense – New weapons systems? We don’t need no stinking new weapons systems! We’re pacifists at heart. Haven’t we proved that by opposing everything defense-related that’s come along in the past 20 years? If it were up to us, there would be no MX Missiles, Patriot Missiles, B-2 Bombers, Apache Helicopters, etc.

We’d really like to see the entire defense budget transferred to Health and Human Services. Defense spending is not only (by definition) wasteful, but inherently dangerous. If we have weapons, at some point we might use them. The perception of foreign enemies capable of inflicting harm on us is an illusion. 9/11 really didn’t happen – and Oliver Stone is making a movie to prove it!

Education – We need to spend more on public education, by which we mean shoveling more of your tax dollars to the bureaucrats who are called educators. Spending money in the public sector is always a good idea. Besides, teachers unions are part an important part of our base. We need to demonstrate our gratitude – with your wallet.

Children need to learn – about appreciating other cultures, embracing environmentalist dogma, the practice of safe sex, the benefits of global government and why dead white males are responsible for all of humanity’s problems. By comparison, that other stuff – history, English, math and science – is inconsequential.

We are unalterably opposed to tuition tax credits, vouchers, charter schools, etc. Any challenge to the public-school monopoly is dangerous. The power to educate is the power to inculcate certain ideas. And we intend to see to it that we’re the ones doing the indoctrinating. We don’t want poor, or middle-class, parents to have choices. They might exercise them in ways we find unacceptable.

English – It’s so unreasonable to expect newcomers to our shores to learn English. How dare we impose on them by insisting they learn our language. Instead, we should set an example in tolerance by facilitating retention of their native tongues – they and their children and grandchildren.

We pledge to combat language chauvinism – with bi-lingual education, bi-lingual ballots, regulations requiring the recipients of federal funding to provide interpreters, and government action against employers who ask their workers to speak English on the job.

Think bilingualism has worked well in Canada? Wait ‘till you see what we have planned for America.

Foreign Policy – The foreign policy of the past three Republican administrations turned the world against us. Foreign intervention should only come with the blessings of the French, Germans, Russians, Dutch and Walloons.

At all costs, we should avoid annoying the sophisticated Europeans, who are morally and intellectually superior to vulgar Americans.

One of the chief attributes of national sovereignty – the power to defend our homeland – should be ceded to the wise and benevolent UN. As our nominee, John French Kerry, once put it, "I am an internationalist. I would like to see our troops dispersed through the world only at the directive of the United Nations."

Immigration – We envision what might be called a Wide-Open Door Policy. America has no right to keep anyone out. Illegal immigrants – excuse us, undocumented workers – just want the same opportunities spoiled Americans get at birth. Who cares if they don’t feel any loyalty to this nation, or identify with our history and heritage? So what if they won’t even bother to learn English.

Immigration is a right. If, in the process of receiving a million legal and illegal immigrants a year, we increasingly look like a Third World country, so much the better. As that great Democrat, Jesse Jackson so eloquently put it when he led a protest at Stanford a few years back, "Hey, hey, ho, ho – Western culture’s gotta go!"

Besides, what you call illegal aliens, we call potential voters.

If elected, we promise to abolish the Border Patrol, tear down barriers along the Rio Grande and provide free bus service from Mexico to all points north.

Judges – We want judges to decide everything – the definition of marriage, whether or not to keep God in the Pledge of Allegiance, life and death matters like abortion and euthanasia. It’s so much simpler to have these decisions made by appointed officials than by elected legislators. Besides, judges are impervious to public opinion. And -- since we don’t trust the people -- we want to limit public influence over government as much as possible.

Let’s face it: Our agenda can’t be legislated; it can only be decreed. Judges are our last resort. And our first resort.

Not only do we believe judges should have the final say on everything, but, regardless of who wins elections, they should reflect our values and ours alone. Nominees who believe in judicial restraint, who think the Constitution should be interpreted as written, are a threat to the rights of minorities and women. Give us Cole Porter – "Anything Goes" – jurists.

Religion – We view traditional religion as the enemy. People who take the Bible seriously could interfere with our plans.

Any attempt by evangelical Christians or Catholics loyal to Rome to use the political system to advance their values is a threat to the First Amendment. We favor deploying the IRS to keep uppity churches in line.

Our judges will see to it that Ten Commandments monuments are locked away in the closet, that crèches and menorahs don’t sully public places during the holidays, and that schools remain faith-free zones. To accomplish this, we will re-write American history to make the Founding Fathers secular humanists.

Taxes – We might as well admit it: We’re going to raise your taxes – right through the proverbial roof.

We think you’re an idiot who has no idea of what’s good for you. You can’t be trusted to dispose of your income. Why, you might spend it on something frivolous – like a new car, a vacation or your kids’ education. That’s money that should go to funding (our conception of) the public good – welfare, public works, higher salaries for government workers, more multicultural education and more benefits for illegal aliens.

Don’t be a selfish lout. Let us spend your money for you.

The War on Terrorism – We don’t like the expression "War On Terrorism," which implies that we have implacable enemies who are out to destroy us. We’d prefer to call it: The Policy Initiative To Address the Problem of People Who Need to Learn Better Methods of Conflict Resolution.

Let’s face it: America created terrorism. If we weren’t involved in the Middle East, if we didn’t defend ourselves when attacked, if we ceded our sovereignty to the United Nations, if we weren’t a crusader state, disciples of the Religion of Peace wouldn’t be trying to kill us.

If Democrats are returned to power, we’ll put an end to this insanity, by returning to our tried and true Cold War formula – negotiations with people who want to bury us. Jimmy Carter, Ramsey Clarke and Jane Fonda would sit down with Osama bin Laden and the Iranian mullahs and iron things out. Peaceful coexistence would replace global conflict.

And we’d sit by in our fortress America while militant Moslems overran the world, content in the knowledge that the crocodile will lunch on us last.

Well, that’s our real platform. What do you think?

Why do you have that look of horror on your face? Where are you going? Stop screaming. Wait, we haven’t even told you our plans for gay marriage....

Don Feder is a former Boston Herald writer who is now a political/communications consultant. He also maintains his own website,

No comments:

Post a Comment