Chris Rock and the Oscars Made for Each

Doc Farmer has a few things to say about Chris Rock and the Oscars. There are times I wish Doc would not be so reserved. Come on Doc, tell us what you really think!- Sailor

Chris Rock and the Oscars Made for Each Other
Written by Doc Farmer
Wednesday, February 16, 2005


Movies aren't a big deal to me anymore. It's rare that you'll find me in a cinema. In the past couple of years, I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually walked into a theatre to watch a flick. Two of those movies were viewed for review purposes for this very board (note to editor: what is the status of my popcorn reimbursement request?). A third movie was seen in the UK with my children (a light
comedy starring Eddie Murphy). Other than that, if there's a movie I want to see, I wait for it to come out on DVD.

Why? Well, for one thing it's cost effective. If I buy a DVD for $20, I can watch it 20 times. That's a buck a viewing. Pretty cheap, considering the price of a ticket these days. Bathroom breaks are only a pause button away, and I don't miss any of the action or storyline. Then, there's the refreshment counter. Odd, but I never feel refreshed after a visit to one of those stands. My wallet feels much lighter, of course, but I can't for the life of me justify paying more for a bucket of popcorn than I would for a bucket of chicken. I half expect to go up to the counter and have Earl Scheib holler "I can pop that corn for $49.95!" And don't even talk to me about Ju-Ju-Bees. That requires a second mortgage, for the candy and the resulting dental repair work.

Despite this, lots of people go to the movies. Millions
upon millions are spent (or wasted, depending on how bad the flick was) every single weekend. Personally, I don't see the attraction of sitting in a large room with a sticky floor with 200 other people, squinting at a screen the size of a sheet of paper, while paying hard-earned bucks to the owners of the local google-plex.

Plus, I've got some "issues" with the strange and liberal creatures that inhabit that bizarre alternate universe known as Hollyweird. Their political leanings, however, are not the subject of this week's screed.

No, today we are going to look at that most annoying of entities - the awards show.

You've seen them, you've heard of them, you've tried to avoid them, but to no avail. There are dozens of them, scores of them. The music award shows are bad enough, but they still tie many of them to the movies. Best original soundtrack, best vocalist in a soundtrack, best attempt to rhyme the word "orange" in a soundtrack, best use of a flute in a
non-musical sense, the obligatory "hand it to John Williams and let's get on with the next category" award, etc. Luckily, you don't get too many of these categories in the weekly Country Music Award shows, but the other ones fill in the breach.

Then, there are the actual movie award shows. The Cannes Film Festival, showing the world how snooty those Cheese-Eating-Surrender-Monkeys can be. The Sundance Film Festival, which is sort of a Cannes-lite (all the politics with a third less class). The People's Choice Awards, that are to movie voting what the "People's Republic of China" is to democracy. The Golden Globes, which are what all the viewers at home are hoping will fall out of the tops of those skimpy dresses sashaying down the red carpet.

And then, there's the big one. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Award Show. A small golden statue of a man with few features and no genitalia, sort of like a Ken-doll dipped
in melted Velveeta. An award that is not given because of box office receipts (the true driver of "art" in Tinsel-Town) but because of the "artistic merit" as determined by a bunch of lib/dem/soc/commie whack-jobs who think that Maplethorpe is a genius and Moore is a visionary.

Oscar.

Other than the fact that this is the first name of my bologna, I can't really get all that excited over it.

Now, to me, award shows are boring as, well, golf actually (sorry, Dad). Some star or starlet slept with the requisite number of producers, some movie company put out an ad campaign in the eight-digit range (before the decimal point, I might add) to convince "members of the academy" to vote for their flick, some old fart gets a lifetime achievement award while having never won the real deal in his or her long and boring career (which they retrospect for you for 12 minutes), etc., etc., etc. Then, the producers and directors think that
they should "liven things up" with musical numbers, dance routines, and an all-star salute to cellulose or some other inane drivel.

In the end, it's manufactured drama. The winner jumps up like Bob Barker just yelled "Come On Down!" and rush up to the microphone, grab the statuette in an attempt to cover its (lack of) shame, and then start blubbering their thanks to their agent, their pet chihuahua Cujo, all the "little people" that made their $40 million salary possible (that's us, in case you're wondering), while mascara starts running down their cheeks like Tammy Faye in a hurricane.

And the actresses are even worse!

For some reason, there's a big to-do about who will "host" the Oscars. Basically, it's some yutz doing bits from their stand-up routine at various parts of the show. Either to eat up time between commercials or to allow the "talent" to get ready for the next four-minute extravaganza. This year, it's Chris Rock. A comedian I generally like.
Sort of. A bit foul-mouthed, as most comedians are these days, but for the most part a good observer of situational humor. Telling us all the dumb stuff we do, but in a way we can laugh about.

Well, it seems Mr. Rock (I wonder if he's related to "The" Rock) has caused a bit of a stir. He made some jokes about the Oscars (Shock! Horror!) and the viewers who tune in to that three-hour yawn-fest. Apparently, Chris Rock seems to believe that the only people who watch that show are gay people. None of his male friends (or "homeys" for those readers trained in Ebonics) apparently watch such shows as this. Quod Erat Demonstrandum, as Mr. Rock might say, the viewership must be completely light in the loafers.

Yet, although this has caused only a minor ripple in the cesspool that is the movie industry, one has to
wonder why there hasn't been more of an outcry. If these same words were uttered by President Bush, El Rushbo, or anybody at Fox News, there would be screams of outrage. Someone would organize a "Million Mincers March" on Washington, no doubt redecorating the Mall in the process. Nevertheless, Rock, a liberal black guy who swears worse than a dozen drunken sailors on a shore leave in Taipei, gets a pass. There hasn't even been one contract put out on him by the Gay Mafia. Mike Ovitz must be burning with resentment right now.

I don't believe the Oscars are going to be viewed only by homosexuals, or that all homosexuals must tune in (upon penalty of giving up their secret decoder rings). Oscars, like most award shows, attract a viewing audience with the same level of panache, sophistication and maturity as you'll find in a Sixth Grade girl's locker room. The Oscars are nothing more than the "Tiger Beat" of television programming. You've
got to have a pretty empty and vapid life to find such shows even remotely interesting (see also: Joan Rivers).

Perhaps Chris Rock wanted to create controversy to get the numbers up for the award show. Since viewership has been going down every year for quite some time, it seems at least possible. However, I doubt that is the case. Perhaps Mr. Rock just said something incredibly stupid. Regardless, because lib/dem/soc/commies can never bring themselves to criticize a "minority" or other protected species in their perceived voting base, he'll get a pass.

Personally, I think Chris Rock was the wrong choice to do the Oscars. If they wanted to find someone funny, controversial, and black, they should have just hired Bill Cosby. Except that he might get up on that stage and start telling them some uncomfortable truths.

Apparently, they feel safer with someone who will say the F-word 174 times, insult viewer's intelligence and act like an ass.


About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at docfarmer9999@yahoo.co.uk.

This Article Was First Published In ChronWatch At: http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=13080